It’s been a long time since I wrote. Like I said in the beginning of my journey, I think, and when I think I write. It’s how I sort through my thoughts and make sense of things. The simple fact is that I haven’t had any thoughts lately. It’s hard for me to believe that I am capable of having a mind that’s devoid of any thoughts but life has been so uneventful, and drama free, that I have no reason to ponder over anything, and hence nothing to write about. But I miss writing. So I’m going to start writing and see where it takes me!
In all honesty, it’s actually nice to have an uneventful life. Between my former job, the move, and my playboy, I had a lot going on in my life, and it was quite stressful. Now that all of that is a thing of past, I’m content to not have anything to worry about, at least for the time being. There’s still a lot of uncertainty but I don’t find myself rushing to get to the other side of it.
I attribute a part of this serenity to my yoga practice. Besides practising hot yoga once a week, I have started meditating for 10 minutes every evening, and I daresay, it works! To have those few minutes each day to focus on nothing else but the oneness of my mind, body and breath has helped calm the once rapidly firing neurons in my brain. I am a thinker and I love to analyze. It has had its merits but too much of it, like anything else, can be bad. Given my present circumstances where nothing is stable, I could potentially drive myself crazy by thinking about all the various turns my life can take. So in those 10 minutes, I focus on nothing else but achieving as much stillness as I can, of body and mind. Thoughts try to creep in but I let them pass. I have learned that if you can train yourself to not acknowledge those thoughts and let them fade like waves crashing at the shore, they begin to lose their appeal. Soon the mind doesn’t even know they are there, and it keeps getting easier. I can sit still for long periods without feeling agitated or anxious, without feeling the need to think about something, or getting up and doing something just to stop myself from thinking. I am truly at peace 😇.
Peace is so easy to find yet so difficult for most of us. To give it some perspective, I have a temporary job right now, my new visa is still pending approval, I haven’t seen any income in over four months (because my visa is pending approval), I have two households to sustain with practically no savings left to my name, I have no friends close by, and my playboy, who was, in a rather dysfunctional way, the only romance in my life, has become a distant memory. For argument’s sake, I have no source of joy in my life- I am a 30-year old with no job security, no love life, no money, and looming immigration crisis. And despite all that, I’m actually really happy. My friends are getting married, having babies, those who are immigrants like me are on their way to becoming permanent residents. But I haven’t stopped for a minute and wondered where did I go wrong. I know in my heart that I have lived life on my terms; even my struggles, I’ve chosen to go through them instead of throwing in the towel and settling. So I haven’t gone wrong, it’s simply that my path is a little more tortuous than most other people’s. That is the source of my peace- knowing that I wouldn’t have done it any other way, knowing that I have no regrets, and knowing that I have the strength to endure much more.
Life presents us with choices at each turn. There is no way of knowing which is the right one, because there is no right or wrong choice. No matter what we choose, life will shape accordingly. But there’s always one choice that stands out if we only look closely. There’s always one choice that we just know is ‘the one’. It is the one that our mind, heart and gut can all agree on. There is no internal conflict. It’s not always easy making that choice because it takes courage to trust our own instinct. As a society, we tend to rely on what is generally true. But general is just that, it may not apply to everyone. Yet we find it easier to make a decision based on a generally accepted notion than have faith in ourselves, because if the former doesn’t work out, well, then it’s just a likelihood we signed up for. But if the latter doesn’t work out, we have no one but ourselves to blame. And who wants that! It’s easier to quiet that little voice in your head than to defend yourself later on. Trust me when I say that I have had a lot of defending to do lately! According to my parents, I could simply let them ‘arrange’ my marriage and it would be a swift solution to all my problems. It’s still a fairly common practice in India- although my parents actually dated for six years, and their marriage wasn’t arranged- no one would judge me for making that choice, and I have seen many happily married couples whose match was arranged. Marriage is a gamble after all. No matter how long you’ve known someone, you don’t know what they’ll become once they get the title of ‘spouse’! And arranged marriages these days are not what they used to be where the bride and groom met each other for the first time at the altar. There is a considerable period of courtship to ensure there’s enough romance. Because matching everything else of significance has more or less become a science- social status, wealth, education, tempers, likes/dislikes, and what not! But it’s not for me.
So while I have very little going for me right now, the ten minutes of calm each day has pervaded through my whole life. Now that I’m not busy worrying about tomorrow, I can finally take the time to appreciate where I’ve been. I am content to know that I chose to follow my heart whenever life gave me the freedom to choose. There have been a lot of instances in the last several months where I wasn’t given a choice. I just have to accept that, even if under protest. But whenever I could choose, I made a choice that I still stand by, a choice that my heart, mind and gut agreed on, still do. I have no internal conflict. I don’t second guess myself because at each turn I’ve chosen what I knew was the only choice for me. That knowledge is what brings me peace, it is what makes me happy!