Another long silence… I went through a number of emotions during this time, as was expected! First I thought this was the end of everything, that I must reevaluate my whole life. After days of inner struggle, I finally decided to heed my gut, and my gut tells me that this isn’t the end. It’s simply a detour, a means to the end, the same end as the one I was headed towards. I just need to keep my dreams close and hold on to faith.
Life is a roller coaster they say. Mine seems like the scariest one at Six Flags, and I’m slowly inching towards the treacherous top. Maybe I’ll hang there precariously for some more time. But then the fun will begin, and it will be worth it, because the higher the climb, the greater the thrill!
I have summarized the transition of my emotions in a poem:
Dreams? Yes, I remember those things,
I used to have some of my own too.
Delicate things I carefully nurtured,
They’re gone now, nothing I can do.
Some died as I helplessly watched,
Others still, I buried alive;
Some wounded ones I’m nursing now,
Hoping at least they will survive.
I’m in the passenger seat of my own life,
It’s steering itself, to I don’t know where.
I dare not dream any new dreams now,
Not until we’ve reached there.
I’m sure it will be a beautiful place,
I’m sure it will inspire new dreams.
But the ones I buried haven’t died yet,
How will I drown out their stifled screams?
Maybe I will dig them out,
If they die still it won’t be at my hands.
I will give them the freedom to live their life,
At least, I will give them a chance.
And as they rise, they bring hope along,
They breathe new life into the wounded ones.
Together they’re happy to be alive,
And follow life to where it beckons.
I mourn the loss of the ones that died,
But I’m going to fight to save the rest.
Ahead lies a struggle between faith and reason,
Let’s see who will win that test.
Reason is an old friend of mine,
But some things in life cannot be explained.
I’m a dreamer first, will alway be-
For in darkest nights, dreams have remained.
So I gather my dreams and enjoy the ride,
And hope that the road that lies ahead-
Is leading to a place where my dreams will come true-
Instead of driving, I’m simply being led.