Best view in life is in the rear view mirror

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A good friend once said that to me. I’m moving ahead in life but I’ll always look back at my time in Buffalo with greatest fondness, and I will do my best never to lose sight of it.

I have been trying hard to see the good in the upcoming change in my life. Each time I pack away a box, my heart sinks. Each time I take down something I had installed with great care, I cry. Although I live in a rental apartment, I treated it like it was own home. I have only lived here for 5 years. But I was planning to live here for many more, until I was ready to become a homeowner. I invested a lot of time and effort into the space to make it truly mine. Each room in my apartment has my name all over it. It looks nothing like the model you’ll see in case you were trying to rent a place in the community. The Moroccan lattice on my bathroom wall was so precisely planned that when I didn’t find the exact stencil online or in stores, I made my own. The wood-and-fabric box valance on my bedroom window required manually sawing so many pieces that it left me with a ganglion cyst on one of the fingers. Kitchen countertop, backsplash, bathroom vanity, wall colors- you name it and I’ve changed it all! I have gorgeous light fixtures everywhere that for now I’m packing away for good. I am going to wait few years before I decide to take them out and hang them, in case I have to move again!

It’s not the end of the world I know, but it’s the end of one chapter in life, and it wasn’t of my making. Moving isn’t a choice this time, it’s a necessity. It came suddenly and quickly so it might be okay to say that I’m still reeling from the shock and letting the realization settle in. And then of course there’re friends I’m leaving behind, although I’ll carry the friendship in my heart.

There’s something, or someone else that I’m leaving behind- my playboy. Honestly, are you surprised I brought up his name again?! I am proud to report that I haven’t had any contact with him since I blocked his number over a month ago. I doubt he even knows I’m moving. We have no common acquaintances. He never introduced me to his friends and my friends detest him, for obvious reasons. So I have no reason to believe that he will ever find out. And by chance if he does know, he hasn’t made any attempts to reach out to me. So he’s finally out of my life, woohoo! But that doesn’t mean he has been out of my head. At a conscious level, I push any thoughts of him to the deepest, darkest recesses of my brain from where they cannot be retrieved. But at a subconscious level, it’s not the same. I still dream about him almost every night. Sometimes when I drive by familiar places, and the radio just so happens to play Adele’s Hello, I suddenly find tears streaming down my face- gee, thanks Adele 😕. I think to myself, “should I tell him I’m leaving?”. But I’m quick to dismiss that urge and immediately start thinking about something else. Even I know that if I reach out to him it won’t be without expectations, it won’t simply be to say goodbye even if that’s what I claim outwardly. I also know that he will not meet those expectations. So why bother. Closure is makebelieve, it’s an excuse to start a conversation. Getting over him is something I have to do on my own. I am already aware that I loved the wrong guy, but that doesn’t change the fact that I loved him. So I’ll stay patient through the process but moving away from the familiar places will be an immense help. A fresh start in a brand new city suddenly sounds like a breath of fresh air!

Then there is my former place of employment. I loved my job. But just like with my playboy, things simply didn’t work out, my love alone wasn’t enough. It was a dry well that I had to away from sooner or later. A new job means new possibilities, and I’m all for it.

So all things considered, a move is not such a bad thing after all. There’s still going to be a lot of emotion until I relocate but once I’m there I’m sure I’ll find plenty of things to distract myself with initially, and to fall in love with eventually. And from time to time, I’ll keep looking into my rear view mirror and cherish the memories I’ve made here 🙂

P

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