It’s been a while since I wrote, and I don’t know about you guys, but I missed it! At this point you’re supposed to say “We missed your posts too, and we missed YOU!” 😛
Anyway, so I had already hinted at the possibility of a hiatus. Well, that was sorta that but not quite. I’m going to continue disappearing intermittently but I had a really taxing day today so I am going to allow myself one post 😄 NaBloPoMo is a distant dream now but I’ll write whenever I can.
It’s no secret that I’m under some stress, though we cannot talk about any specifics right now. And in my last post I talked about wanting a hug. So guess what, my playboy is back in my life! No kidding, for the nth time! I told you he always finds a way back, but don’t you worry, it’s not what you’re thinking it is 😉
He had expressed a desire to see me on multiple occasions since he found out about my ‘situation‘ (let’s just call it that for now), but I kept denying his requests. I’ve suffered enough grief at his hands and right now I can’t handle more. But he is persistent like I told you. So I kept hearing from him on and off, and then on a day when I literally thought I couldn’t take it anymore, my phone buzzed and guess whose message was flashing on my screen! So I replied, said I was in a rough shape and needed some emotional support. He was quick to offer it and soon we were lying in my bed, my head on his chest, his arms around me… We talked for a good hour, or more, I can’t remember. What I do remember is feeling safe as I heard his heartbeat and felt his warmth. I haven’t felt safe in a very long time now- and don’t get alarmed, I’m not in any physical danger, my fears are more emotional and psychological in nature 😌.
Next day I thanked him for coming over, he said I could call him anytime, he’d be glad, and that he’s here for me. And just like that, we were friends once more. Every story has two sides, as does this. I know my side. I still love him, I know his flaws, but I don’t intend to change him. He has hurt me, but that’s because I have enabled him to do so. If I didn’t love him, nothing he did could’ve left an impression on me; if there were no feelings to begin with, there wouldn’t be anything to hurt, make sense?
Knowing how I feel, I need to maintain a separation from him so I can move on. But how much stronger can I be! I was doing well until he caught me in a weak moment. So I decided to establish some grounds rules for round one-thousand-and-one of our friendship. I am a resolute advocate of open and clear communication. I’m the one with the problem here so the onus lies on me to seek help. I told him that if we stay friends for too long, my feeings are going to start taking over my common sense, and I’ll start hoping for a relationship, again, and again this round will end in a fight. I’m going to do my best to keep myself in check but he needs to help out. He needs to make sure my feelings don’t get any encouragement from him. If he has other girls in his life, he has to be more forthright with that information than what he has been in the past. He didn’t say anything…
So there is a reason why I call him a ‘playboy‘. I don’t know much about him although we’ve been together on and off for three years now. But based on what I do know, I don’t think he has any female friends who are actually just friends. All his female friends are, or have been at some point, his friends-with-benefits, as was I. So when he tells me he enjoys my friendship even without the fringe benefits, I obviously find it hard to believe. He only seeks one kind of friendship from girls.
I’ve never been to his house, he actively discouraged that, we have never been out for dinner together, a drink on rare occasions, I’ve never met his friends, and forget family! But these are all things that good friends usually do. Unlike him, I have number of opposite-sex friends, many of them very close, and all of them platonic. We hang out frequently, I go over to their places for house parties, cookouts and barbecues, and I’ve met their other friends, and a lot of times family too. And that’s exactly how I treat my friends, girls or guys, because friends are friends, right?
In my humble opinion, he sees girls as potential threats to his freedom so they only get a certain level of clearance in his life, and even that they have to ‘earn’ ;). Obviously this excludes friends’ wives or girlfriends. Despite his claim that I’m his “best friend”, he doesn’t treat me like a friend, he still treats me like a girl, a threat, and upholds all the barriers.
I told him earlier that I had another rough day. But it’s Friday evening, so I’m not going to hear from him. If he is with a girl, he will not tell me about it. If he is hanging out with other friends, he won’t ask me to join. If he is simply relaxing at home, he won’t tell me to come over to watch a movie- these are things friends would do but he is wired to keep me a safe distance away and out of his private space. So what’s his side of the story then? Can we ever truly be friends? I guess I know the answer but I’m going to defer reaching that conclusion a little bit longer…