Tomorrow is a big day- all I can disclose at this time is that I am signing an attorney’s retainer. I am scared beyond the finite boundaries of words, I cannot quantify the fear that surrounds me. I did not ask for any of this. I have been hurled into the thick of a dirty war and I am doing my best to come out of it unscathed, at least superficially. The emotional damage will probably last for a lifetime. But right now, I stand to lose everything, I might go bankrupt in the process, but what is the alternative? None if you believe in standing up for yourself and fighting for what’s right.
I haven’t shared anything with my parents but I keep hinting that I’d love for them to visit for a while. But winter is almost at our doorsteps and let’s just say, they’re not a fan! I asked my sister to visit too but she has her own life to run. She is trying her best but it’s just not working out. My friends are extremely supportive but I refrain from discussing my problems with them excessively, because no matter how loyal your friends are you don’t want to put it to test! I gladly accept the support they offer but I never ask for more. But all I really want is a simple hug, a warm embrace, a place where I can feel safe, even if for few minutes.
So it’s not unlikely to think about long lost lovers when thinking about tender hugs. It would have been nice to have a companion right now who could hold me and ease my mind. But as I reflect upon my past relationships, I can see a pattern emerge. Except for the one really serious relationship that lasted 5 years, I have always managed to pick out the damaged goods. The one before this serious relationship was scarred by an earlier ex. He and I have remained friends though. And the two since the serious relationship were damaged in their own respective ways. You might recognize these characters from some of my earlier posts- the mystery lover and my playboy 😉
So I paused and wondered to myself- why do I keep picking the people who are not even capable of supporting me in times of need? And the answer is rather plain- because that’s exactly the way I like it. I am too strong to admit to anyone that I need help. I am too guarded to let anyone see I can be weak too. I thrive in relationships where I’m the strong one. So I pick men who are weak and broken, who have insecutities stemming from their experiences before me, and I think to myself, “I’m gonna fix him. I’m going to love him unconditionally”. Maybe I am never truly looking for love but a project I can work on.
I said that I was my best self when I was around my mystery man. Indeed, because he was probably the most damaged of them all! He needed my love and I was glad to oblige- it was a perfect symbiosis. I also claim to have loved my playboy. He was also cheated on by an ex and he told me the first time we met that he never wanted to feel vulnerable again. In retrospect, it might simply be a tried and tested pick up line! But I thought I could change him. He seemed to meet the pre-requisites of a good person. If I could just make him feel loved and secure, I was convinced that I could make a great man out of him!
So now that I am really in need, I have no one to turn to. I consider Gone With The Wind my personal bible! I worship Scarlett Ohara for her fighting spirit, and I like to think of myself as an extension of her character in the real world 😛. I have always quite relished the idea that I am going to find my own Rhett Butler, but somehow I keep collecting more and more Ashley’s. One would think that I would have learned by now!!