This blog is all about me and the lessons I am learning each day, about myself and about the world I live in. I look outward to find exactly what I want to look for inward. There are so many things that make me ‘me’. It’s not possible to summarize all of it in one post, or few, or many. The simple reason why I write has changed so much in less than a month since I started writing- stage one: I have a story to I just want to write, and stage two: I just want to write to I want to write to build relationships. So yes, I am 30 years old and counting- not the years that go by but the lessons they teach me.
The other day someone told me, as a solution to my cryptic problem that I can’t talk about, “do this, this is what everyone else does…”. My first instinct was to dart back, “but I am NOT everyone”, but I didn’t. Instead, I’ve let it stew and simmer in my head for about two days now and I think I finally have a concoction I am ready to share 😄.
I have shared a little something about my family background in the Homecoming post. I come from a long line of nerds with my grandad leading the pack with two doctorates. Growing up, I was always the smartest kid in my class, even the school if I maybe so bold. I always got the highest grades, I represented my school in all sorts of events- debates and oration, dance and other arts, quizzes and other science competitions, and I
almost always won 😌. Consequently, this made me the popular kid. I was always part of the student leadership, and in my final year in high school, I was elected to be the School Captain with an overwhelming majority.
So I was the popular one alright, but I was never the attractive one. My best friend was. She was the girl every boy in the school wanted to woo. In fact, the first boy I ever had a crush on ended up asking her out few years later 💔. As was bound to happen eventually, school was over and I was off to college. I had to start from the ground up, none of my laurels from schooldays had any real value there. People only saw what was on the surface. And just like that, I was the attractive one 😳. Trust me, you don’t want to be the attractive one in a society that is sexually repressed! I lived through horror next few months- a friend beaten up for my phone number, prank calls from strangers asking how much I charged for a night, catcalling and eveteasing on the streets- HORROR! I used to cry from fear and agony! First of all, the stress of living on my own for the first time, add to that this daily mental torture- I was forced to grow up years in those initial months spent away from home.
For a very long time thereafter, I had difficulty accepting that I could possibly be the attractive one. The series of guys I dated could never help me feel secure about myself. I was always the dumpee- gosh, something must be wrong with me. I know I am a good person. I had a very secure childhood so I have no doubt about the beauty of my soul. So maybe I am not outwardly beautiful- were some typical thoughts. Even until recently, I had very little confidence in the looks department 🤓. Then I met my playboy who I wrote about earlier. For all the scars he’s left me with, he somehow also managed to give me the confidence I was lacking.
When I look back at the 20-year-old-me and now-30-year-old-me, I like the latter so much more. I am so much more confident about myself, about my life, my successes as well as my mistakes. I am not scared to acknowledge the realities of being me- good and bad. So, indeed, I am NOT everyone. I am unique, like everyone else is. And I am not going to do things that ‘everyone else does‘ simply because everyone else does them. I am going to find my own solution to my problem, and once I’ve put it behind me, I would like to talk about it too.
PS: This post was inspired by a fellow blogger’s post, “Come On, Let’s Go” by Robert Doyle. There is so much chaos in my life right now, nothing seems right, then suddenly this morning, after reading his post, I had this moment of liberation where I thought to myself- I am free to do what I want. If I fail, I will own my failure but at the very least, it will be MY failure! I am not everyone, I am me and I am free 🙂