30 and Learning…. Confidence!

imageThis blog is all about me and the lessons I am learning each day, about myself and about the world I live in. I look outward to find exactly what I want to look for inward. There are so many things that make me ‘me’.  It’s not possible to summarize all of it in one post, or few, or many. The simple reason why I write has changed so much in less than a month since I started writing- stage one: I have a story to I just want to write, and stage two: I just want to write to I want to write to build relationships. So yes, I am 30 years old and counting- not the years that go by but the lessons they teach me.

The other day someone told me, as a solution to my cryptic problem that I can’t talk about, “do this, this is what everyone else does…”. My first instinct was to dart back, “but I am NOT everyone”, but I didn’t. Instead, I’ve let it stew and simmer in my head for about two days now and I think I finally have a concoction I am ready to share 😄.

I have shared a little something about my family background in the Homecoming post. I come from a long line of nerds with my grandad leading the pack with two doctorates. Growing up, I was always the smartest kid in my class, even the school if I maybe so bold. I always got the highest grades, I represented my school in all sorts of events- debates and oration, dance and other arts, quizzes and other science competitions, and I almost always won 😌. Consequently, this made me the popular kid. I was always part of the student leadership, and in my final year in high school, I was elected to be the School Captain with an overwhelming majority.

So I was the popular one alright, but I was never the attractive one. My best friend was. She was the girl every boy in the school wanted to woo. In fact, the first boy I ever had a crush on ended up asking her out few years later 💔. As was bound to happen eventually, school was over and I was off to college. I had to start from the ground up, none of my laurels from schooldays had any real value there. People only saw what was on the surface. And just like that, I was the attractive one 😳. Trust me, you don’t want to be the attractive one in a society that is sexually repressed! I lived through horror next few months- a friend beaten up for my phone number, prank calls from strangers asking how much I charged for a night, catcalling and eveteasing on the streets- HORROR! I used to cry from fear and agony! First of all, the stress of living on my own for the first time, add to that this daily mental torture- I was forced to grow up years in those initial months spent away from home.

For a very long time thereafter, I had difficulty accepting that I could possibly be the attractive one. The series of guys I dated could never help me feel secure about myself. I was always the dumpee- gosh, something must be wrong with me. I know I am a good person. I had a very secure childhood so I have no doubt about the beauty of my soul. So maybe I am not outwardly beautiful- were some typical thoughts. Even until recently, I had very little confidence in the looks department 🤓. Then I met my playboy who I wrote about earlier. For all the scars he’s left me with, he somehow also managed to give me the confidence I was lacking.

When I look back at the 20-year-old-me and now-30-year-old-me, I like the latter so much more. I am so much more confident about myself, about my life, my successes as well as my mistakes. I am not scared to acknowledge the realities of being me- good and bad. So, indeed, I am NOT everyone. I am unique, like everyone else is. And I am not going to do things that ‘everyone else does‘ simply because everyone else does them. I am going to find my own solution to my problem, and once I’ve put it behind me, I would like to talk about it too.

PS: This post was inspired by a fellow blogger’s post, Come On, Let’s Go” by Robert Doyle. There is so much chaos in my life right now, nothing seems right, then suddenly this morning, after reading his post, I had this moment of liberation where I thought to myself- I am free to do what I want. If I fail, I will own my failure but at the very least, it will be MY failure! I am not everyone, I am me and I am free 🙂

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10 thoughts on “30 and Learning…. Confidence!

  1. Love, love this! “I am me and I am free. What a great little mantra. Thank you for the pingback and mention. Not at all necessary but thanks. I’m glad something I wrote could help you express that awesome feeling of liberation as you say. Life is a process. You have your story, I have mine. This blog and these photographs I take are a result of years of bottled up emotions. I don’t have deep dark trauma in my life fortunately, but I held so much in for years and years. I wanted to be creative, I wanted to write, to play music, to be an artist…whatever it was, but I always held myself back. Why, I don’t really know. Perhaps that is why it is all coming together for me now. The ‘years of wisdom’ I possess now as I draw closer to 50, the experiences, the ups and downs, the memories trapped in my head, maybe in my case needed to stay there until now. A jigsaw puzzle missing crucial pieces. I possess most of those pieces now. There are a few more to find ( a fulfilling job being the most critical) but the puzzle picture is becoming clearer now. I can see what it is supposed to be. Which is a great feeling. It is great seeing you acknowledge yourself on these pages. The mistakes and successes that YOU go through on your own, because that is how you want it to be. That is a great realization!

    I am beyond thrilled to have come across your work and just wish you all the best moving forward. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Robert- life is a process like you said, and I’m enjoying every bit of mine- it wasn’t always easy but now I have the conviction to accept all of it. I’m glad to have come across WordPress, to have this platform to be able to express myself uninhibited, and to share the wisdom and experiences of other bloggers like yourself!
      Thanks again for the best wishes!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad to hear it, and I look forward to hearing about your process and the journey. WordPress has been so great for me, particularly in the last 4 months. I almost stopped blogging and then I did a reversal and became more active in the community. I’m happy to see this transformation. My new mantra is ‘Never Stop Moving’ which is a song by an artist I love. It just hit me deep that it is what I want to do with the creative side. Having people like you around reading and liking what I do helps.

        Thank you again for the share!

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I told another blogger today that right now I’m just enjoying writing the most. I love getting out with my cameras, I love my music, but right now…the writing is flowing and people are liking it. So I’m not stopping anytime soon

            Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post – it is very liberating to read about how your confidence has grown and accepting yourself for who you are. I think subjects such as non-conformity and how everyone is unique should be expressed more often. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel we are a sum total of our upbringing, our surroundings and our own personal predisposition- sometimes not all of them work to produce the most desirable outcome, but with time we get equipped with the wisdom to use everything to our advantage and become better versions of our former selves. I agree, instead of forcing everyone to conform we, as a society, should encourage freedom of expression. Thank you for your feedback 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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