So I reached the conclusion that I had put off at the end of my last post. Once more my playboy is out of my life, and don’t ask me if this is it ;). He still knows where to find me! But I’m hoping that once I’ve moved away for school, and with his number still blocked on my phone, he will finally lose all possible means to get hold of me. The first time we separated I was sad, second time sadder, third time absolutely, totally devastated, but I’ve become so good at this game now that I can barely feel any emotion this time- neither good nor bad. It was the inevitable and it has been done; it’s quite cut-and-dried.
Ironic as it may seem, he was a good friend, and I shared a lot with him. I told him one time, and it was a serious conversation, that I wish I wasn’t always the good girl breaking her heart over some guy who didn’t deserve it. His response: “Then go be a bad girl and break guys’ hearts“. I laughed.
Few days ago I was told by someone I very nearly fell in love with how I broke his heart. I almost want to be proud of myself and go tell my playboy, “hey, see! I did it after all“! But I can’t, bummer :P. But as you must have figured out by now, I like to analyze! I wouldn’t call it overthinking because I leave emotions out of my analysis, I like to look at the situation objectively and whatever conclusion I reach I don’t let it upset me. So if I conclude it was my mistake, I own it and try to fix it. Also, I don’t exclusively consider arguments that support my hypothesis- I take everything into consideration. You may as well call it the scientific method for analyzing life🤓.
So this person, when I met him, was already married, probably still is, I didn’t ask. But when he first told me that he loved me and was considering leaving his wife, my first instinct was not to trust him (atta girl :P). By the way, he said these things over different times and they were supposed to be mutually exclusive, however I didn’t perceive it that way. I always thought that the former was a way to legitimize a potential affair in the name of ‘love‘, and the latter a way to incentivize it. Anyway, call me smart or stupid, I was intrigued by the whole situation. So like all smart/stupid people do, I searched the Internet 😂. People had different things to say but the consensus seemed that only 5% or so men leave their wives for another woman. Interesting, I thought. So there is a 50-50 chance that he is telling the truth, and of that, there was 95% chance, statistically, that even if he was being honest he will decide to stay with his wife. Leaving aside the moral platitudes, the math itself wasn’t in my favor!
Despite telling him number of times that I didn’t trust him, his rhetoric kept getting bigger and bolder, and I slowly started wondering if I could actually love him, in fact if I DID actually love him! At this point, one would think I should have removed myself from this situation. But my choice of modus operandi is fight, not flight. I throw myself into the situation and I either come out unscathed or I come out wounded but wiser, but I come out a better person. So I wasn’t running away. As emotional as I may seem, I like to see things for myself to actually believe them. How does a married man expect a girl to take his word on face value I know not, but even the times when I asked him for proof he came up blank. Then my birthday came, AND went and there wasn’t even a card from him!
Taking a tangential diversion, you cannot commit a bigger offense in my world than forget my birthday or let it go unrecognized! Primarily because I start making announcements about it at least a month in advance. If you care about me, I give you plenty of time, and reminders, so you can show it to me. If you can’t even do that, then I’m sorry, you might as well be dead to me, hmph! 😛
Back on track, so not only did my birthday go unrecognized, he even failed to rise to the occasion the few times I asked for his help. Again, forgetting all other aspects that are obviously wrong here, from a simple evolutionary point of view, a girl is bound to look for a mate who can provide for her and protect her. If you can’t help me in times of need, what good are you to me! So, all the doubts I had about my feelings towards him evaporated. I forbade him from telling me that he loves me and I made it clear that we could be friends but nothing more. If he did actually get a divorce, we could consider dating after a healthy amount of time had lapsed but that was my best offer- friendship for present times and possibility of a relationship when he was in fact free to date!
Now I always thought I had been absolutely rational, and even fair, in how I dealt with the situation. In the event that he didn’t lie to me and actually ended up leaving his wife, I was willing to give him a chance because he’s actually a really nice guy, so long as he’s not a liar. But as things stood, there was simply nothing suggesting verity on his part. And yet, he has awarded me the title of a vicious woman who manipulated him and toyed with his emotions 🙄. Am I mistaken, or is something actually wrong with this world!?
PS: something is wrong with the world 😉