Time to eat my words I reckon…
The other day I wrote a post called “I would rather cry in a BMW…”, and this is my own response to it. That entry, in my opinion, was reeking of arrogance. I contemplated leaving it up to serve as a lesson in humility for myself. Life doesn’t give us a delete or undo option, now does it? So why should I undo it here? This, after all, is a chronicle of my experiences and lessons, and that post was both- it was a reflection of everything I was experiencing at the time, and now it is a lesson. I was hurting when I wrote it, and what do people do when they are hurting? They lash out; because somehow we feel that if we can project the hurt that we are feeling inside outside, it will go away. But it doesn’t, it simply doubles. 🙂
The one amazing thing about being 30, as I am finding out more and more each day, is that I find it easier to admit when I am wrong, I find it easier to make amends and I find it easier to say ‘I’m sorry’. Over the last few months, I have been most deeply wounded by some of the people I trusted and loved the most, but to make my parents the target of all the pent-up bitterness was absolutely and decisively the worst act of moral transgression on my part for which I am eternally sorry! Like I pointed out in my post about my 7 favorite words, our conscience is the ultimate judge we have to face, and knowing that I had done something wrong, I could not rest until I had done my penance.
So now on to the part about eating my words: I love my parents mostly because I am programmed to do so. I will forever be ashamed that those were my words. Like I said at the onset of this journey, words can be our best friends or worst enemies- they were definitely my enemies when I said that. I LOVE my parents because they are the best parents in the world, period. Everything I am today, every freedom that I enjoy today, I owe to them. So while I may find it difficult to appreciate their help, I do know that whatever they do is founded in love. That I let myself be so fully consumed by pettiness that I forgot that is deplorable.
I am proud that I have managed to stay positive through tough times, but maybe I am a little too proud! I do indeed keep reminding myself that I would rather cry in a BMW, but perhaps, I also need to start reminding myself from time to time how I got there in the first place. So once again, there are much worse things in this world, much much worse, that humanity is dealing with every minute of every day, but I am not one of those people because my parents did everything in their power to keep me safe and secure. My problems seem big when I look at them through my myopic lenses, but they are really quite insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And those of you who did not read my original post, well, all I can say to you: Good for you! You have one less reason to dislike me 😛 and sorry that none of this makes sense! But to be clear, I do not drive a BMW, it is simply a metaphor for all the creature comforts I have. Whenever I am sad and depressed, I think of the millions of people out there who do not get a square meal a day, or who don’t have a roof over their heads, or who don’t know what peace and freedom mean…
I am ok with my problems!