Words- nothing to me is more powerful. They can be your best friends, or your worst enemies. It all comes down to how you use them. For me, words have always been my best friends.
I have always been the sensitive-kind. The kind that keeps things inside, but I have always found solace in writing. I don’t know how or why I first started writing. I was 8 when I wrote my first poem, and for a very long time after that poetry was all I wrote. But at some point between then and now I discovered how liberating it was to simply jot down my thoughts without having the need to look for a subject and end sentences in a rhyme.
I don’t keep a diary, but whenever I am going through a crisis I fill pages after pages- random, mostly incomplete thoughts that are all over the place. If I can be myself in those few pieces of paper, I can go about pretending to the outside world that my life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. This year has been the most challenging time of my life so far. Yes, it involves a breakup-ish (and now you know for a fact that I’m a girl, in case you hadn’t already guessed)! But that is not why I am here. There is nothing unique or exceptional about my story- girl meets boy, girls loves boy, boy doesn’t love girl, girl breaks heart. That’s my love life in a nutshell. But I am sure I am all the wiser for it, and if I think hard I would be able to draw some life lesson from it. Let’s file that away for a later time.
So I started the year breaking my heart over someone I loved deeply. At least that’s what I claim now. Ask me two years from now and I might laugh it off as a massive infatuation. But for now let’s call it love and let’s say it was all very ugly. It took me good 6 months to finally get a grip on myself. Just when I had finally returned to normal life I received the most devastating news that I could possibly imagine- no, I am not dying, no one is, no deaths! I would say though, that the news of an imminent death would probably have been better than the news I got, at least the former is definitive. If I don’t have your attention now then I don’t know how to top this.
For my opening post, I will give you just one hint- I am not a US citizen. I do love this country and call it home, I have lived here for almost a decade, but just how fragile my existence is, I didn’t realize until 2 months ago. In the beginning I didn’t fully grasp the meaning of what I had been told. But now I do, and this time I want an audience as I scribble my thoughts to ease a restless mind. I turned 30 last month. Nothing is different, I am not different, no ta-da! moments, no epiphanies. But I figured it might be worthwhile to do something commemorative just the same, especially given the dramatic year I have had leading up to the big 3-0. So here I am. I hope I can keep this up for years to come, share stories and lessons along the way. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I came here to share what I have learned over the last couple of months so I will start with that…